Feeling that ECD (existential continuity deficiency) acting up again. There are so many amazing places and amazing people in the world doing amazing things. I am struck by it every time I start researching Permaculture or Natural Building or any of a whole myriad of topics that I am trying to embody with my lifestyle.
The people I am surrounded by are undoubtedly amazing…but there’s a feeling I get at the end of a long night where I have mostly been waiting for sleep for the past 3 hours that is hard to deny. The feeling of loneliness, inactivity, and I hate to say it, boredom. The community (if one can call it that) that exists in this Valley typically requires that one travel to another’s home, and usually an event or an excuse is called for. Call ahead, make an appointment, but by no means show up unannounced.
This is not to say that I don’t have hopes for this place. I am inching towards dedicating some solid chunk of my life to being here, and have had amazing experiences in the past months that vindicate this impending decision. But I look at these pictures and imagine these other lives that seem so much more fulfilling than the one I am leading. It’s back to the grass being greener over there.
The irony is that there ARE amazing people in this Valley that have the skills and predilections and passions I long to surround me. Hell, there are people living in this house that embody some of those things. But the natural building guru who lives down the street…lives down the street and I have neither the wherewithal or the foresight to seek out his advice and company. The awesome couple that literally lives 2 minutes away that helped me realize some of the potential for living here long term I haven’t seen since that fateful night 3 weeks ago. My fault? Theirs? Life’s? Who knows.
I just know that sometimes I feel that it would be easier, and in many ways preferable to go to where the community I long for is alive and THRIVING, not just dreamed of and hoped for. Or go somewhere where I know the people and I will connect on a fundamental level. Where I don’t have to continually argue the case that modern agriculture is tantamount to enslavement of lifeforms; where using Nature as a model is a given, not a revolutionary ideal.
I am not giving up. I am not moving away. I am not running from myself. I am settling in, and hearing the creaks of the various weights of my life finding their balance. Those people whose lives I envy, the situations I wish I were in, the things that I could be doing somewhere else would inevitably pale and I’d have to move on yet again. Better to stay and fight through the ennui to the peace beyond. The peace of knowing that I am exactly where I should be.
And I am.