In Which the Self Is In Sight

I’ve just realized several things about myself.  First, let me describe a bit of the way that I think.  I am not, as some people have proposed, a rational, ordered thinker.  Some people, I am lead to believe, have an inner dialogue: “If this, then that;” “She said such-and-such, and that means whatsimcallit.”  Perhaps I am wrong about this. No matter.

The way that I think is in flashes of inspiration.  I do not typically reason through a problem, in most cases, but bend my mind towards a problem, and the answers come bidden.  It’s a rather strange way to operate, let me tell you.  Sometimes, the person I am talking to knows about as much as I do as to what the next words out of my mouth will be.  Many times they don’t, and I am forced to translate what I just said.  I actually do much of my thinking in conversation, and if I sound sure of what I am saying, it’s because I know no other truth. I often have no idea where the idea, just uttered, came from.  Heavy.

Okay, with that out of the way, lets move on to the insights.

Insight Numero Uno:
I am most energized after being with people.  My brother once likened mental energy to a rechargeable battery.  Some people are introverts, and it takes juice to spend time with people.  To them, social energy is energy spent, and the battery drains.  Extroverts are the opposite.  To us, it takes energy to be alone, to self motivate, and to stay interested in most projects.  Maybe those last two are just me (I am describing myself, after all).  Anyway, what it amounts to is that when I am with people, performing, whatever, I get jazzed and I feel my mental battery charging.  I get excited about everything at these times, and it’s a great feeling.  The outcome of this insight is somewhat of a plan: I will join an activity of some sort, perhaps an Improv group or something similar.  I need a way to consistently hang out with people, doing what energizes me.  Perhaps I will return to the Burning Man shop that I visited recently with M and her roommate — I had a good feeling about them.

Insight Numero Dos:
I am much more inclined to understanding the way an existing system works or how to improve it than design a working system from the ground up; in fact, I’m pretty miserable at it.  I always have “brilliant” ideas when it comes to solving a problem from scratch, but they never seem to pan out.  Sit me in a room with a bunch of project engineers, though, and I can spit out ideas all day that no one has thought of and that may lead to an improvement.  Put me down in front of an electronic device or tool, programming language, or machine and I’ll have a working knowledge of it within hours.  This is one of my innate skills, and I should work to harness it.  Anyone need a gadgeteer?

I like this idea of writing out my insights as they occur.  More to come, I promise


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